I've come the end of the road with Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet". There are still four chapters after "Treats", but after reading the chapter on "Treats" I know that Martha and I must now part ways.
I've stated before that not every self-help book is right for every individual. I think that Martha Beck's approach works for a great many people, a great many people have probably already been helped by her through her individual counseling and her books. It's just that I'm not one of them. Our philosophy is different and while I keep an open mind to different viewpoints and differing ways of looking at the world, ultimately the decision to continue or not is mine. That's why I believe in cognitive therapy over behavioural therapy. Martha and I have come to the old "fork in the road".
According to Martha it is important to treat ourselves for good behaviour. "Every day, give yourself at least three really good treats, one for every risk you take, and two just because you're you. No exceptions, no excuses." I understand the concept of rewarding good behaviour and that repetition of this reward will ensure that the behaviour becomes automatic. It is how we train animals who do not have the ability to think. Psycholgist B.F. Skinner was the champion of Behavioural Psychology. I was not a believer in Skinner's theory when I was a student and my thinking hasn't changed over the years.
I follow the philosophy of Aaron Beck who believes in the cognitive approach to change via how we "think" about our actions/reactions and how we can modify our behaviours accordingly.
Without getting into a great deal of psycho-babble, suffice it to say that for me, taking risks, identifying my desires and moving forward so that this becomes part of my life instrinsicly is going to happen (and has already happened) when I shift my thinking from "I'm hopeless", "that will never work", "I'll never become successful" to "I'm talented", "this is going to work" and "I have every reason to consider myself a success". If I think it and begin to believe it, changing my attitude and how I view the world and myself, I have chosen the healthier psychological option.
Do I need to treat myself to things that make me smile every time I take a risk? Do I need to ding a bell to say " I made that scary phone call! Now I can play with my paints!" I don't think so. I much prefer to make the scary phone call and feel good inside that yes, I tackled something I felt was once an obstacle. And I don't consider doing the things that make me happy, make me smile to be "rewards" or "treats". I already consider them to be vital aspects of my life.
So, no more Martha Beck for me, though I'm glad I went back to this book and looked at it more thoroughly. My response is my own. I don't recommend the book and I do not condemn the book.
And joy? I realized that it's been with me all along...for quite some time. I really don't need to look any further.
31 comments:
Hi Sherry Lee(how do you make the heart?) Oh, isn't it great to be true to who you are? I agree with you in the respect of changing our thoughts. I've actually been zeroing in on being more aware of what i think this week.
You know what one of my treats is (not for good behavior, by the way but just because)? It has been connecting with you through the Joy Diet:) And i don't plan to give that up. Good for you in making the choice that fits for you. we don't have time to waste on things that don't belong in our lives.
Sherry Lee, for basically the same reasons I wasn't able to move forward...it isn't a horrible book but it's not MY type of book. I find that Joy comes in ordinary ways and those ways don't need rewards for good behavior. I feel a creative spirit when I visit blogs like yours because ultimately, others can also remind you to feel joyful. I am inspired by your openness in your blog as well as your innate way of creating.
For those who want to know how to make a heart you do this.
& hearts ;
however, when you type it, leave no spaces between...run it all together. When you hit space after the semi-colon that code will turn into a heart.
Have fun!!
AND...you won't see the heart until you have published or looked at a preview of your work...so don't think you've done it wrong if you still see the code in your unpublished piece!
I think i can see that you having this book has done some good , in that it has made you realise that you had joy all along ! ;o)
And there is no shame in airing your views on her book - if it`s not for you - then why struggle your way through it ?
♥
Whoo hoo - i did the heart !! LOL !!
♥
Cognitive development: yes! Who believes in Behaviourism anymore I wonder. All Pavlov's experiment proved if you ask me is that dogs would do anything if they're hungry. I don't mean to be disrespectful here; science had to move on, one way or another. But in 2009 anyone should know that you reward yourself simply by making the right choices for you.
When I heard the title of this book when you started it with Jamie, I thought , now that sound like a book for me. But the more I have read from you and many other participants that I respect, the more I am glad that I ended up putting the book in the "Later" pile. Like you, I have been on a Joy Diet of my own creation for almost a year now and I am seeing wonderful results ! There are still slip up days but I think I can sat that instead of a diet, I have made it a real life style change and this is soul good for me !I think I will toss the book into the "not for me" pile instead after reading your thoughts today.As the older lady in the booth close by says in When Harry met Sally, "I'll have what she's having !"
Happy and joy-filled Friday, sweet One.
Kim ♥
I have to say I agree with you. I'm not even reading the book, however over the last year or so, I've found myself "needing" a reward after taking care of something that I really dreaded. Most often it was coffee or sweets. I'm all for treating myself from time to time (as opposed to rewarding) but after a while it just feels empty anyway. Would much rather just give myself a hug and feel proud of myself.
I'm so glad I followed SeLah over here to you today. Thanks. &heart;
oops. might've goofed my hearts! ♥ hope it worked! i heart you anyway! :)
ATo recognize your own path is great. I be able to make up your own mind, your own decisions is a wonder. It's one concept - rewarding yourself. But if your journey is really from internal to external, rewards come all by themselves.
Hi Sherry,
I agree with what Carolyn said, in that you did realize you had joy in your life all along, I know I do, even if I don't feel it all of the time, I mean that has to be impossible.
I havn't read Martha's Joy diet in a while, most of it I have already done through other self help books many moons ago, or just on my own, but hey, I may pick it up again.
The Joy Diet isn't a book that I've read nor am likely to read in the near future but I've loved reading your insights, Sherry. I'm glad you realize that joy is in your life right now. Often I think we search for something that we feel is missing from your lives (and hear I speak for myself only) then find that it was right there all along, if only we'd listened to our heart. You've listened to your heart.
xo,
Lynda
Awe, officially a sisterfriend!!! Glad you saved me from reading the book! I know I would have stopped at the same place. I tried so hard to teach the children when they were small that the reward in doing good and right is the feeling you get...just that simple. Is that the "and" symbol? Mine does not look like that so here goes...I'll just look like the computer idiot... ♥
♥ I cheated - I copied & pasted the heart. I'm a great one for shortcuts & beating the system.
I'm SO glad someone brought up this argument. It makes for interesting conversation.
I must say that my approach to life lies somewhere inbetween the two theories. For example, part of my job is going on auditions. I HATE auditions. I won't go into the details of why - but I HATE them. I am always exhausted emotionally, physically and psychically after a day of auditions. I have tried everyway I know how to think of them as something other than torture but after more years than I care to count I have been unsuccessful. So, I always have a treat ready after the audition. I guess this is my long roundabout way of saying that I am all about cognitive in theory but I have not been very successful in practice.
Thanks, as always, for a inspiring and thought provoking post.
Yep. I agree. I think that's why I gave up The Joy Diet early. I want to blame it on my age! Been there, done that. I like my life. It is a joy just waking up every morning and it's up to me to keep it that way! Well done, Sherry and you've been redecorating again! Beautiful!
♥ (Let's see if it works on a Mac!)
I don't think I've commented yet on any of your Joy Diet posts, but I've been reading along. And I'm with you. I love what you said about shifting your thinking and being intentional about what you say to yourself about yourself. Thanks so much for your insights along the way. I appreciate your recognition of the fork in the road.
Now...I know I can make that heart...
♥
What I love most about you, Sherry ♥ Lee - you see clearly about what you want for your life and you will stand up and say so. Kudos to you!
Wow!
I have to say what you are doing is so right. If you do not believe in something then don't force it down your throat. (You know what I mean)
What is right for you may not be right for someone else and vice versa.
With that said I believe the same philosophy as you. Changing the way I think was the most important change I made. It's still a struggle sometimes...but I'm getting there.
I love a woman who knows what she wants (or doesn't want).
I am in the minority here, because I like Beck's book The Joy Diet. This is actually my third time reading it.
When I first read it several years ago, I was a lost soul. This book was like a map for me to find my way out of the pit. At the time, I'd never considered spending time doing nothing or asking myself what my desires really were. I didn't even know I had the right to ask such things.
I have gone on to read all Beck's books - and I have to say they've all changed my life.
But like you said - not all self help books help everyone. Just like we don't like the same types of music, food, art, and people. And that's ok. I like diversity. It enriches my life.
You are much happier and healthier than I was when I stumbled on this book years ago. Maybe that's why it doesn't resonate with you. You no longer need a map to Joy because you've already found it. And that's a Joyful thought!!!
Never did understand what you saw in that book - and usually did not read or comment when your posts were about M.B. She is too basic for the level at which you work. Blunt perhaps, but that's the way I see it.
Sometimes we figure out we just don't need to add, or get, or have, or learn something new - we can just be! ♥
Thank you for this very open posting, I agree with you in all points. I was about to quit a few times too, but I decided to go on just for two reasons: 1. I want to try, what can I make out of this book. I now take her examples and advices much more loose than in the first weeks. It's not a diet, it's a buffet. Imagine this book would be called "the joy buffet"- just take what is working for you and leave the rest.
The example with the supermarket pigs was just stupid (the bad German in me said: "Oh these Americans, life is a crazy show, hahaha, ever so funny..." ;)) and I just wiped this out.
The second reason is, the process of sharing our thoughts in this group is worth all dissonance within the book. And that makes me stay, but I understand fully your saying: "Stop, this is enough". Trust your belly! And it's always a great RISK (aha!) and a huge step to say: "No, I'm out!" when everyone shouts "Hurrah!"
&hearts:
We've all been through it with this book - some chapters a lot easier than others. Personally, I'll never fit all the ingredients in one day and I'm still not very good at 'nothing' but I've learnt a little bit here and there and am happy that some small improvements are being made. The chapter on risk though really helped me through a difficult decision so I was grateful for that - I nearly gave up on the whole book last week then caught up on risk and got back in the saddle. Been great sharing the experience with everyone - that in itself is far better than the book!
I love this post. I don't know the book, but I know the technique. It's responsible for a lot of the faulty thinking (to my way of thinking) that has resulted in the falsely-inflated-self-esteem generation.
If I only do the hard things because I'm going to get a treat, well ... I can't see that as growing or developing, you know? Plus ... so I'm supposed to give myself a treat because I'm me? What if "me" isn't so nice? There are lots of not-so-nice people out there, but this type of comment wants them all to reward themselves without thinking about their actions and the repercussions of those actions for their own lives and the lives of others.
Ok, sorry, this hits a nerve.
I used to tell my daughter, when she was younger and was scared to do something, "It's ok to be scared. Just do it anyway."
I tell myself that all the time. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I fail. But no treats. Just trying again. And again. And again.
Anyway. Great food for thought. Love the conversation.
Jennifer
Hi Sherry Lee! Seems like we are totally on the same page with this. It's farewell to The Joy Diet for me as well... Love what you had to say!! Hugs, Silke
When we "treat" or "reward" ourselves for everything, the "treat" is no longer special. It's very much of this generation, I think. I see it in school, where parents insist on a plethora of stickers for their kids when the kids are simply doing what they should! I so often run up against, "What do we get if we do it?" Sometimes, we do things...or we should do them, because it's what we're supposed to do! And, then these kids hit the adult world and wonder why bosses don't fawn over them. I like this posta lot..you know when to throw in the towel!
The old saying "Virtue is it's own reward" comes to mind. In this case, positive changes in ones own life would seem to be their own reward. Even so, I am one of those people who often forgets to do something nice for "me". Treating myself all the time would mean it was no longer special, but I could use a gentle reminder every once in a while that I deserve a little something special. Regardless of finding that the Joy Diet wasn't for you, you still seemed to glean a few good ideas from it:>) kudos to you for recognizing when something isn't working for you and moving on.
What's great about the book is that it is a jumping off place for good discussions--I love reading other people's reactions and insights. I am finding it very useful for some introspection at this point in my life. Take what you need and throw the rest away. Thanks for sharing.
&t hearts ;
So nice to connect with you Sherry Lee! I found your post most interesting and insightful. I'm on the same page with you so far as not being a fan of behavioral psychology. I haven't resonated either with many of Martha's approaches. And these differences have affirmed for me even more clearly what I DO believe. BRAVO for doing what feels right and true for you!
You made it further in the book than I could, Sherry♥Lee. I agree with you on these points too. I've never been an advocate for 'treat' training, even for dogs. Like you said, the true reward is in how we feel.
The Joy Diet was a misleading title for me as I didn't realise it was going to be a behaviour adjustment book aiming for goals. To me, joy comes from within in even the simplest of moments.
I do agree that the book will be very helpful for many others but, like you, it just wasn't for me either.
beautiful post. I hung it up after desire. I kept reading the book, and will finish it but I am no longer posting about my chapters. If one of them speaks to me I will post though. I began a new blog in the middle of all this and decided to focus on that rather than keeping up with the book/posting that wasn't really speaking to me at that point. I love that you recognize your need to look no further. When I realized that my truth wasn't necessarily what Martha was recommending and that I felt like I was "already there" I felt like a misfit for a few days. Silly but that too was a good thing for me to recognize. thanks for your honesty. it's beautiful!
I got one of her books and started to read it but put it down. It seemed like busy work, if that makes any sense.
And I ♥ Sherry!
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