image from finding your hearts desire.com
Wanting what we want. Knowing what it is that we want. Being able to fulfill those desires...small and large. Being able to determine what is a "false desire" (one that tastes of fear) and what is a "true desire (one that always tastes of love). How we banish our desires and sabotage ourselves so that we are unable to realize our hearts desire. Martha Beck takes us through Chapter 3, helping us to "access and interpret the yearning that is always leading you toward your right life."
I've been struggling for some time to be able to pinpoint what it is that I "want". I have so much and yet I have never really been able to achieve that longing for "the" one thing in my life that will fill that space I am meant to call destiny. In reading this chapter, I realize that I am a saboteur of great proportion and that I "inoculate myself against disappointment". I have been conditioned from a young age to not "want". Therefore, I have no idea "what" I want or how to even hear within myself what it is that is calling to me. I know it's there but finding it is like fumbling around in the dark, looking for my glasses.
When I was a child, one of my father's favourite things to do was disappoint. It was really a control issue but at 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, even 10, I really didn't know that this was a "game" to him. There would be talk of a trip, a vacation perhaps, a weekend somewhere,even just a drive in the country to get a pumpkin. Simple things, certainly not anything that was a life long desire. But this learning about disappointment has to start somewhere. Plans would be made and there would be eager excitement on the part of my sister and myself. The day of, it could even be an hour before we would be scheduled to depart, my father would simply announce "we're not going." No reason given. He'd decided. No conversation. If we cried and pleaded it would just be worse. The disappointment and the heartache, not to mention the tears were crushing. What I didn't know then and certainly wouldn't have been able to understand, was how much pleasure he took in doing that. By the time I reached my pre-teen puberty I'd figured it out. The only way to "play this game" was to pretend that I didn't care. I didn't get excited about the conversation and the planning. I feigned complete indifference bordering on disdain. If the plans came to fruition, lovely. If they didn't, no harm done. I'd learned how to protect myself from "wanting". And in doing so created a wall that closed me off from desire. What a twisted, warped way to live and how many years wasted that I might have been achieving and fulfilling my biggest dreams. I seriously doubt either of my parents realized life long dreams. Given the environment we lived in that would have been next to impossible.
That was many years ago and I have had no contact with my father who is now deceased, for my entire adult life. I realized the other day when reading through this chapter and doing the "work" Martha Beck has identified as helpful, that I am now parenting myself to some degree. I have allowed that voice to stay in my head and whenever I think about the possibility of fulfilling a big dream, I talk myself right out of it and allow that earlier knowledge of disappointment to cloud my vision. Holding this key has given me the insight I need to understand the "why" and the "how" of so much. It's only necessary now for me to silence that inner parental voice and turn the key towards realizing my own destiny. I must unlearn what I know so that I can learn something new.
My concern is, of course, will I know when I see it/hear it/feel it? Martha suggests asking yourself, silently, out loud or in writing, "What do I want most right now?". Sometimes the answer comes quickly. Sometimes desire can be a vague, unclear yearning. Remaining silent and giving my heart time to unravel the knots I have created, to tell me its story, to tell me what it wants is opening the window and clearing that vague fog to allow me "in" to my heart so that I can hear its desire. Something worthwile and joy filled I look forward to discovering.
45 comments:
Thank you for sharing so much. You are a powerful writer and your story really touched me. I think by listening to your heart (and head) and taking one step at a time you will be well on your way to naming your desire and reaching it.
You will definitely know it sherry. It's kind of like a soul deep(in the bones) kind of thing. (:
I was very moved reading your story. It made me want to reach out and hug. Here's to you finding your true desires now. It is never too late.
x
What a disgusting game your father played! No wonder you built a wall.
But we all know that. "Cutting dreams down to size", kids that want to be singers, actors, painters, writers and parents telling them: "Who do you believe you are?"
It's a sad story. It's about stifeling inner voices.
I am glad, I support my daughter to fullfill her wishes. For me she is an artist right now and I tell her every day, that she can make this as a profession.
I think that if you become the loving, attentive parent to that little girl within you, she’ll tell you what she desires & you’ll then be able to recognize the wants and desires that you – as an adult – possess. Listen carefully.
All best wishes and love on this journey.
To have the revelation of what you have shared today is amazing. it's not just the truth that sets us free, but the truth we know. Oh, and I love the shirt:)
Oh Sherry, I am so sorry about your father. This just breaks my heart. So happy to know that this book has helped you work past the cruelty of the one who was supposed to love you first. All my love to you, Deb
Your dad was very cruel, emotional cruelt is so very hard to deal with especially when it comes from a parent. When I read this, I felt so sad, I wanted to hug you and tell you its ok.
You have turned into a lovely adult, a kind, warm and giving human being.
You will know what you want, it will come to you?
Me? I have my hearts desire, my boys... I dont think I want anything else
What a gift you've given us today. Thanks so much for sharing your story. For letting us in on that part of your life. My prayer is that you will know and revel in new discoveries about yourself, your passions, and your joys.
So open and honest and brave to share this experience (so sad) with your father, and also sharing how you are working through events while enjoying this book. I enjoy reading your blog and words so much Sherry.
This is a wonderful post! You have made me want to write down a list of every desire I can think of and "name" it as either false to true. I think part of my stumbling is the fact that I get so jazzed up about embracing all kinds of new things without really stopping and considering if it really resonates with me. I seem to set myself up for disappointment so much of the time when I don't complete a new desire.
Breaks my heart what you had to go through, and not only does emotional abuse against you as a child affect you then, it affects you for most of your life.
I am happy The Joy Diet is helping you see things so clearly, I am still on Chapter one for two weeks, but I am doing well with doing "nothing" so I may be ready for the next step now:)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you are such a great writer :)
Thank you for sharing such a tender part of your history with us. My heart aches for the tears that you and your sister shed when you were children. Of course you built up a wall around any desires you might have...you learned how to protect yourself from pain/harm. But now you do have the tools to honor and embrace those desires that have been suppressed for so long. It may take awhile to uncover them as they have been buried deep, but they are there, nonetheless, waiting for you.
Beautifully written post from deep down in your heart. My poor parents simply shouldn't have been parents. They had no idea what to do with me. It is hard to know what I truly desire and, I've reached an age where I'm comfortable with my life. How much *more* is there? !!! Give yourself a really big hug from me.
I must read this book... From what you say it sounds life changing. Just reading your words I am already wondering myself what I want... Good luck in discovering your desires.
oh my...this post made me cry. Your dad was so cruel to do that to you. My dad is similar in that he took for whatever reason always relishes in stirring up conflict with us kids or between me and my siblings. He likes to tell us all we cannot do this or that...and is always trying to out do anything we do choose to do. Heaven forbid we would be BETTER than him at anything. I have never understood how anyone...especially a parent/father...could derive such pleasure from this.
I can see where what your dad did to you would have made you do exactly what you did to survive. The things our parents do and others around us and even ourselves to others....we have to be so careful don't we? Sometimes there is no clue the damage being done to another until much later on in life when one looks back.
What you wrote all makes such perfect sense now and I do hope and pray you can move past all this and one day break down that instinctive behavior you learned a long time ago.
Best wishes and thanks for stopping by my blog too!
This is a great self discovery journey to be on. Trying to untwist all the knots and issues we (you) have to unravel. It's not easy but I'm sure you will come out of it with glowing colors. I wish you good luck on this quest and I hope you truly find what you want.
I feel I'm like you trying to figure myself out and trying to find true happiness. As long as we keep trying that's great!
Have a great weekend my friend.
Hugs
Charlie
Such good insights this week. Our choice is to live in a smaller world with walls of fear built up or take that risk to dream and want and expand our world. I am glad you are choosing a bigger world.
Wow - reading this brought back a flood of memories! I don't think my father enjoyed disappointing us as yours did, it's just that he let a whole lot of other priorities get in the way (he was a workaholic), so we often had to accept "no" because something else would come up. Like you, I think I put up a wall to guard myself against that. And now that I have kids, I do EVERYTHING I can not to disappoint them by saying "no we can't do it" at the last minute.
Thank you for sharing your truth with us. You are an insightful, powerful woman! I am very curious to hear more about what desires are ready to bubble up...as you ask them to.
Hugs!
I went through a similar period when I found myself in a place of great achievement with my career goals and yet I felt like I needed more. It took me a good three years to figure out what I really needed to feel fulfilled.
What a deeply insightful post. I'm so glad that you are parenting yourself now and truly, when your heart's desire shows itself, you will recognize it as true by the way you feel.
I am so glad to hear you now have the desire to go further and look for your hearts desires. It starts with small adventures and simple things then it will all fall in place. You are a wonderful person and deserve it all.
Sherry Lee, it is so hard to break the mechanisms we learn as children to protect ourselves. I love you for sharing yourself in this way with others - I know you touch them deeply. Sending many hugs to the inner child.
BTW, I received my copy of "SuperHero" and I love it. Thank you so much!!
What a beautiful, honest post. I know how hard it is to break down those protective walls, but simply knowing that somewhere within you there is a powerful and all encompassing dream, that's enough for this moment. It's so wild how our desires can be so elusive and sneaky.... but my guess is if you give yourself time to really sit and invite them into view, you'll be pleasantly surprised! :)
Sheri-Lee thanks for stopping by. That post was a difficult one for me and I pondered even sharing it. I find your perspective on Desire interesting also. I say to you ~ trust your inner voice and you will know. All of this exploration is fabulous, no? I love that I am sharing this journey with you. thank you.
i was moved to tears, reading your words. Maybe because they were all too familiar to me.
I'm nodding my head.
Sending you love, for sharing.
xo
That took some very deep digging. You are right about it being about control with your father. Keen observation. Now, after that work you are asking what to do with these understandings. I think it will be evident the more you embrace the truths you lived. This book sounds like a dandy, I'm enjoying your personal discoveries.
Oh, wow, that brought back memories and emotions! I grew up in a chaotic family with addiction and I had to build a similar wall around myself for emotional protection. Plus, I was the peace maker in the family, which had me constantly trying to guess what my parents wanted and trying to fulfill their desires so that everyone could be "happy." I am now 43 and am still dealing with the aftermath of that. I have to very consciously give myself permission to indulge my own desires. This was a powerful chapter for me. Thank you so much for your comment on my blog and for sharing so much of your life! Hugs, Silke
P.S. Love your art as well!!
Yes, we build walls. That is how you coped. Thanks for sharing.
This took a lot of courage to share. These chapters are having a way of making us dig deep.
The pain others close to us cause us can last for a long time. I'm glad you have moved past that.
May all your desires be fulfilled.
It really sounds like you're discovering yourself and your desires slowly, but surely...it just takes time, patience and determination - here's to desire xox - thanks for visiting my blog and posting too :)
K.
Yep, your experience may be extreme but, in some form or other, so many of us had similar experiences. I know I did. I got such a hard time whenever I asked for anything that I stopped asking. Then it had to turn into trying to make myself believe I'd stopped wanting too, to dull the pain of "No." Thanks for sharing your experience, and I look forward to reading your continued aha moments.
I was so moved by this post you shared Sherry .
It seems we can all relate to it in some way .My parents were gift givers - when all i probably needed telling was " you`re doing well in your life and we love you "
Emotional physical feelings from childhood are some of the makeup of who you become , and it can be so difficult to break away and change yourself for the better and you thinking and overcoming that you can be better . It can take a lifetime to undo and you feel your life then has been wasted - but if you find the right moment and you`re ready to accept / sort through and move on - like yourself - then you will find what you truly desire - and i know you will do !!
Beautifully written - whens the book coming out !!? ;o)
Enjoy the Thanks Giving weekend my friend !!
((muah ))
xoxo
Your story resonates so deeply for me Sherry. Disappointments were a part of my childhood too. And oddly enough, it was mostly the father figures in my life, both my real father and step father, who let me down again and again. I gave my father more chances as an adult and as he continued to let me down I simply withdrew. I have forgiven him but I choose not to contact or see him. I protect myself from further disappointment and heartache that way. I can hardly think about the things I "want". Like you, I have so much, but real goals and making the kind of successful goals that I know are possible tend to stop at the planning stage. I fear failure. Pretty common I guess, but as I get older I am trying to overcome some of that. It is a slow process, unlearning the bad attitudes and habits of a lifetime!
What an amazing and wonderful thing to come to this realization. How freeing it is to know the roots of our self-sabotage and move beyond it.
I can't even fathom why anyone can be so cruel, but that is neither here not there. No matter how traumatic that experience was, you are liberating yourself from it, and that is worthy of celebration! :)
Thank you for sharing so honestly and courageously with us!
Thanks for sharing so openly about some painful early experiences. I especially appreciate your ending, identifying that desire can be a "vague, unclear yearning" and that silence can help clear the vague fog...
You can turn your Dad's disappointment game into one where you give yourself your hearts desires. Nanny nanny boo boo you get what you wanted after all!
:-)
You said your truth so beautifully. That must have been hard work peeling back those layers and finding your key.
So lovely.
I'm so happy I am on this journey with you.
Discovering and acknowledging our desires is scary and difficult and wonderful. And Joy is waiting!!
Your story is very deep and moving, i think no matter what, we are always trying to find our true desires through our daily actions. i wish for you to find it!
Thank you for being so open in sharing your journey with desire this week. As you know from reading my post I also was surrounded by others who denied or squashed their desires and mine to some extent. I love the way you describe the "taste" of desire the trueness or falseness based on love and fear.
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. And thank you for writing this post. Disappointment as a child is so unbearable - I know that first-hand - and what you describe is so familiar. Thank you for writing about it.
Such a powerful post - illuminating how truly powerful you are.
I understand completely when you say: "Sometimes the answer comes quickly. Sometimes desire can be a vague, unclear yearning". Like so much of life, calling out for exploring, taking delight in exploring.
Sherry, this was such an important post - I don't have the experience of anything so clearly defined, but I did learn somewhere along the line to push my desires aside.
You're in a great position to be able to use this knowledge and insight to work toward JOY! Congratulations on such good work.
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