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I hadn't realized that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month until I was reading Teri's blog the other day. Please visit her blog to read this excellent and informative post.
Do you know the signs of domestic violence and abuse? Do you know someone who is at risk? Are you yourself at risk?
I was raised in a dysfunctional home situation. I'm not unusual or special in that fact. I am one of a great many sad to say. I saw my father hit my mother once and only once. I was 7 year old. My maternal grandfather was visiting, he was also a witness to this and stepped in to the situation. Alcohol was involved. That is no excuse. If I'm realistic I would say that it was probably not the first time my father ever used physical violence towards my mother and it was likely not the last. It was the last time any of us ever saw it happen. But we were always witness to the emotional abuse which was also heaped on my sister and myself.
My father believed in corporal punishment. I'm not here to advocate for or against spanking. I do, however, speak out against beating. I had more than my share of those. Was I such a detriment to society, a difficult child who was willful and needed to be punished with beatings that left me so that I could not sit? Hardly. No child is deserving of that. I spoke up. I was defiant against "orders" that made no sense. I rebelled in my small way to let him know he could not, would not "control" me. And he didn't like it. Did the beatings when they came (and they weren't often, but often enough that they left lasting impressions) remind me to not rock the boat? Of course not. As I got older the punishments changed in ways he still felt he would be in control.
My parents argued a great deal of their 19 year marriage. There was more than just domestic abuse in the home. There was child abuse as well. Why didn't my mother leave? Plenty of reasons and justifications on her part. I look back at that time and wish I had been more aware of options, more aware that her excuses were simply that and at the bottom of it all was her lack of confidence and self esteem. And the years with my father had taken their toll and worn down whatever sense of self she had had before they met.
The marriage finally ended and we all moved on. Shattered, damaged and fractured emotionally. I look back on my childhood and know that others must have been aware of what was happening within our home. My faher had the ability to put on his "outside" face and I always thought others saw him as charming and entertaining. Once the door was closed, the charm dissolved and the entertainment was how he could make his puppets dance.
They are all gone now my family. My mother, my sister and even my father. And here I am. I learned how not to parent from the mistakes my father made. I made sure that the pattern of abuse was stopped with my father and not repeated. My sister had no children. Feared that she might be a bad parent. And this is the legacy that can be passed on when children are witness to and part of domestic violence.
Of interest to me was the fact that this weekend I read Jeanette Walls' "The Glass Castle", the memoir of her life with her alcoholic father and bohemian mother. Neither adult wanting to take responsibility for the care, safety and upbringing of their 4 children. A nightmare of a life for each child, suffering neglect and abuse at the hands of the two people meant to love them more than life itself. Two people who were more interested in themselves than their children. A disturbing read for me, yet one filled with possibility and inspiration of the ability to rise above.
If you know someone you suspect is a victim of abuse or you are yourself, please check these links which I hope will offer some resource support and hope.
11 comments:
I never suffered such bad things, thank God; well- my mother used to hit me on my botom if I did wrong... she lost her temper easily... and in those days that seemed to be normal... Now that I come to think about it I suffered a little. But in a different way from yours I think.
I am sorry. It is so cruel and sad.
Thanks for this post and your advice to everyone.
Dulce, HUGS
You are a SuperHero is soooo many ways, Sherry Lee. Because you speak up. I admire you. And I am glad you have extended your hand to me in friendship - I am really proud of that! Thank you, Sherry Lee!
A very eye opening post, Sherry. The Glass Castle was such a difficult book to get through, knowing it was a true story. Abuse was and is still rampant. Low self-esteem and fear and big factors for women who stay, once the fear is greater in staying is often when a move is made. Physical violence begets physical violence. I, too, cowered under both of my parents raised hands and two boyfriends as well. To leave those situations a hard road, but it can be walked.
You are a survivor in so many ways. That indomitable spirit of yours has never left you – has simply been refined - become more beautiful and powerful as you grow.
(Excellent, heartbreaking book.)
The more I get to know you the more I love you! Here's what I so appreciate about you: You are not afraid to share the hard things with us, because you know by sharing we can be better. You live your life authentically and oh how I admire that!
I started reading that book and couldn't finish it. I'll give it another try. Are you familiar with the website violenceunsilenced.com?
I'm sorry to hear about what your family went thru Sherry Lee. Not easy.
What a service you are providing here. This is so valuable and may actually save some lives! Thank you.
The open and honest way you share your story is truly the best kind of gift for anyone trying to get through those big challenges and big pains of life, Sherry. Shining a light on it all, taking the shame out of it, and empowering others with the knowledge that you can come through this and not only survive but thrive as you have - that is the gift of hope and of possibility.
Brava, beautiful Warrior-Woman!
love ya !
having been through both abuses - my ex husband hit me once - and i later found out his father used to try to beat him and he fought back , i had to leave him and it took a while of questioning and reasoning with myself in my head as i had told no one about our behind closed doors exchanges when everyone thought we were the perfect couple on the outside .
It was a difficult decision to make - and the best one i did make - for myself , him saying he wanted me back and me knowing he would not change , i wanted my life back after he had controlled it for so long in many ways , i didn`t feel myself until many years later .
I know there will be and is - many more worse case scenarios - and organizations that are out there to help the abused are a lifeline for those who take the difficult decision of breaking away .
I hope your post helps someone out there and that you have found some peace in your life now .
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Such honesty... such courage!
Shannan
I'm sorry you had to go through that ... thanks for sharing.
Like you. Sherry, I've been there. It was my step-dad and he could go from beating me to answering the phone with a smile on his face and in his voice. I could never understand why my mom did nothing, I think women back then had less options, I will never understand but I forgive. Both of them.
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