A Sense of Peace and Joy...

As you know, my reading taste is eclectic, which to me means that I will read a wide variety of material on a wide variety of subject matter. I'm especially pleased when I read something that is out of my general area of interest and discover something new to me and open doors that might otherwise have stayed closed.

Biography and non-fiction are as interesting to me as fiction and when I read about the lives and experiences of others I'm inspired and sometimes feel an affinity or a communal appreciation for the intricacies and unexpectedness of life.

I don't have diabetes, however, it does run in my family so with that predisposition and some of the drugs I have had to take in the past that could lead to diabetes, there is always the possibility that this could crop up in my future. I learned years ago that there is no "cap" on the number of things that can happen or go wrong in life. At one time I thought there must be some sort of ledger where you would reach a quota of illnesses or diseases or unhappy occurrences. Naive yes, but it was something to hold on to. But that's not why I read this book written by Mary Tyler Moore. I was just curious. And one disease is in the most important way no different than any other disease. The common denominator is that they change your life. They alter your way of being.

What impacted me the most about Mary's story on managing her diabetes was how she had to come to accept the fact that she was indeed a diabetic. That she did need to monitor what she ate and when. She did need to test her blood sugars. She could not pretend that this was not happening to her for when she did, the consequences would remind her in frightening ways. Yes, diabetes can be controlled with insulin and if properly managed can result in a long life. It is also true that some breast cancers, even some stage IV cancers are being treated now as chronic illness with drugs, in the same way that diabetes is managed. But that isn't what this book was about for me. It was about acceptance.

The moment when I accepted that I had breast cancer, the moment when I accepted the fact that this was always going to be part of who I am (remembering that it is only one small part of who I am and keeping that at the forefront at all times), the moment when I stopped fighting myself as if this was something I had earned or deserved or created for myself was when I knew peace. When I stopped railing against the fact that I had cancer, stopped seeing it as an obstacle that was bigger than me, I felt at home with myself in a way that I had never felt before the cancer began to grow. I felt a sense of control over something that I couldn't see. I stopped seeing it as the monster in the closet or under the bed and put it out into the open. Once you have acknowledged something as present and not just lurking, once you identify your "enemy", your "fear" it makes it easier to cope. It is what it is. Trite, but true.

Waiting to hear the results of my latest mammogram, it was a perfect time for me to read this book and to remind myself that we cannot control every single thing that is going to happen in our lives. We can only control how we choose to deal with it, accept it and move forward with it. I feel a sense of peace and calm this morning that floods me with joy. The sun being out only magnifies that feeling. I wish everyone this same sense of joy today.