My Father's Daughter

I don't have many photographs taken of me with my father for a variety of reasons. This was many years ago (decades really) at a family picnic in Darlington, Ontario. It's a paternal generational photograph...my mother on the left, my grandfather and my great grandmother. My father died in 2000 but our contact with one another stopped and never picked up again many years before that. Our relationship was complicated and never smooth. The decision to part ways was mine for valid and definite reasons.

There were many years when I carried hatred and resentment in my heart towards my father for things that he did and many things that he failed to do. Over the last few years I've lost that hatred and resentment and I've embraced forgiveness. I see him more clearly now for who he was, who I am and while there are still some things that happened that are not "okay" and never will be, I've let go of the hardness and it has made my heart lighter.

My father was punitive. He was not a disciplinarian, he was punitive and there is a great difference between the two. Control is not love, it is about power and having power over others. And I learned from this. I learned that I would never be punitive with my children. When discipline was needed it was so that they would learn right from wrong and that this was done with love and concern for the adults they would become. It was never done to prove that I was right and they were wrong; that I was bigger and stronger.

I learned from how I was parented by my father that it is all right to question authority. That authority isn't always "right". I learned that to question the why and the how is valuable in order to make conscientious decisions. I learned to stand up for my rights, to stand up for myself and to believe in who I was and how I thought.

I learned that a bully has many insecurities and fears of his own. I learned that when someone draws that line in the sand you have a choice -- you cross the line, you walk away or you open a dialogue. I learned that being afraid of others serves no purpose. I learned that I never wanted to be a bully.

My father was talented musically. He passed that on to me and to my sister. We both loved learning to play instruments, to sing and to appreciate the music of others.

I know that the negatives that influence our early years can actually be some of the best lessons we are given. It's how we look at those influences and how we can turn them to our favour that makes the difference.

I'm grateful for everything that my father taught me and for being my father's daughter.

photo found here